White blank page – The one in the café where it all started

It’s always hard to write the first phrase… you sit in front of the screen and stare at the white blank page. The cursor impatiently flashing as if to say “just write anything…?!”. While waiting for some good phrase to pop up in their brain, people would often get distracted by the noises in the surrounding. Maybe the sound of a car passing by the street so fast, that you’d automatically ask yourself how much it passed the speed limit. Or the sound of the coffee machine at the café where you’re sitting in when it’s frothing milk for the cappuccino that you’ve ordered. People talking can be distracting, even worse when you hear them chew really loud and you would want to tell them to stop so you can finally focus, but you then decide to let go… the list is endless. Back to the blank page and my cursor still flashing. Flashing “at” me alarmingly loud!

Why do we even care about a good start? A book isn’t good just because of the first phrase, sometimes not even the first five chapters are worth reading. It’s about what happens along the way. To start something, whatever it is, is good. Means you take action to begin something new, whether it’s a small thing or a big. It can give you the power of deciding where you want your next step in your life to be set. You can lead things to a certain direction. And I guess that is what I’m trying here. Blabbing about my life, my thoughts and my experiences as I walk around the planet trying to find myself… or get my life back on a path, where I’d like to see me happier and positive.

My conclusion to the blank page? It’s not that scary if you think about it! It gives you all the choices in the world and you have it in your hand to be the one to type in the first letters. Metaphorically speaking… not that you’re sitting somewhere like me, drinking cappuccino in Malaysia and staring at a screen… Life often hands us these moments that seem like blank pages. They scare us, because in most of these times something valuable has been taken away from us, lost, broken or gone by itself. In order to start fresh, things have to vanish at some point. And unfortunately not only the bad stuff will disappear. It’s mostly the things we thought were good, valuable and positive for us that hurt the most when we get to that point, where we hit a brick wall.

After several obstacles on my bumpy path I mostly managed to stay on it, although I’ve felt that something was either wrong with the path or with me as a person walking on it. But people do like for things to stay the way they are. It’s easier, comfortable and you can simply push aside all the reflections considering your life and your soul. I guess in the end this construct of bad choices and me not dealing with the many warning signs led to this massive crash into an imaginary brick wall. Though the crash felt very real…

So what now? To be honest with you… I have no idea. I take life one step at a time right now and it’s healing. It gives me the break I needed, it gives me the power of starting something new. And I know that many people don’t understand that not knowing what’s going to happen can actually do good. Nowadays we are programmed to have a certain 5-, 10- or 50-year plan, not caring that even a day – well even a tiny moment – could change the whole outlook of that stupid plan. As I’ve met many people in these few days traveling, I’ve heard it all: “Wait… so you’re all alone?!”, “Oh you quit your job? Isn’t that a high risk?”, “But what is your plan for when you get back?”, “No ticket back home? Are you crazy?!”, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”,… Fuck that! It’s not that any of them knew exactly what was going to happen to them. We want things to go certain ways but it’s never in our power completely. We end up where we are supposed to be. I’ve learned that lesson now and it lifts off the heavy weight on my shoulders, that I’ve had for several years now. The feeling of not fitting in, being weird just because I didn’t have it all set for my future… all the answers.

Blank is good. Patience is good. Life is good. Sometimes you just have to adjust the way you look at things. Give it another perspective or angle. I don’t consider myself spiritual or as part of some religion by the book. But somehow I know that I am a believer… and yes for those of you reading this, who have been in Ubud with me: I know what popped in your mind when you’ve read “I’m a believer”. A believer of something that has to do with destiny and faith. That there are no such things as coincidences. Everything is supposed to go the way it is going in order for you to become who you are. But that’s a bigger topic and I will someday in the future write about it, when I get a clearer look on it.

For now thanks for hanging in there to get to the end and not giving up along the way! 😉 I don’t know if I made myself clear or if you share my opinions. But hey, there you go… my first blog post is done. Now I should pay my bill, cause the waiters gave me some pretty annoyed glances, and head out. Living life outside the www. you know…

‘Til then,

stay safe wherever you are and remember, life is good. Yours always,

ElinaAria aka. ChickenMonkeyBackpacking 🙂

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